We Fall Down....

I have loved being back in worship at Broadway these past few Sundays. This past Sunday there was a time of remembrance for all the saints of Broadway who died in the previous year. Again, I realized how close I came to having my name on that list and it has again set my mind to pondering exactly what this "saint" (I use that term loosely...lol) needs to do with the rest of his life.

For those of you who can understand...I have been broken and am being remade (on several levels).

A couple of Sundays ago Jorene Swift's sermon asked a very important question about what you would do if you knew you only had a short time left to live. My summer experience has brought the reality of that fact home to my heart. First of all, I agree that I would want my wife and daughters and family and friends to know how much I love them...something we fail to say not nearly often enough. But the question remains for me, what will I do with whatever time is left to me...and that is the center of my "remaking." Jorene quoted a line from one of my favorite poems "Who Am I?" from Dietrich Bonhoeffer who wrote it during the last imprisonment before his death. (I love it because I have always identified with it and find the words express my own struggles.) I give you the last stanza here. (If you want the whole poem it is in an earlier post on this blog under "Who Am I?").

Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine!

I've often pondered the word "saint." If I am, I am like Bonhoeffer's saint above, struggling with my own inner hypocrisy while others think something different of me. But I think sainthood is more like the understanding found in Bob Carlisle's wonderful story told in song "We Fall Down."
In it a man goes to the market everyday bearing a heavy load and everyday passes a monastery. As he goes by he often ponders what life would be like in such a place away from the heavy load he bears. One day as he is passing by he meets a priest coming out of the monastery and he asks the priest what life is like for the "saints" in that place. The priest replies:

We fall down, we get up,
We fall down, we get up,
We fall down, we get up,
And the saints are just the sinners,
Who fall down and get up.

In the end, being remade is just another time of getting up, and in doing so remembering, "Whoever I am, O God, you know I am thine!"

"There remains for us only the very narrow way, often extremely difficult to find, of living everyday as if it were our last, and yet living in faith and responsibility as though there were to be a great future. It is not easy to be brave and keep that spirit alive, but it is imperative."
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Tegel Prison

I think the following passage from my daily devotional guide illustrates how I really want to be "remade."

"'It's time,' announced the Other One.
'I know,' responded the man. 'Could you explain the choices to me again?'
'Of course,' said the Other One. 'I will write one thing in the dust and one thing only. I will write whatever you ask me to write, and whatever it is will become a part of your life. You may ask for anything, any knowledge, any virtue, any gift, any hope, any dream, any grace, any possession, anything. I will write it in the dust, and it will become a part of you and your life.'...
Everything good he could think of to ask for was incomplete and flawed in some way. While each choice fulfilled one hope or dream, it left some other hope or dream unprotected and potentially unfulfilled. That is why he had been sitting there for so long.
'It's time,' the Other One reminded him again.
'I know,' replied the man. 'I know.'
'What shall I write in your dust?'
The man took a deep breath. He was ready to make his decision.
'Your Name,' he declared to the Other One. 'Write your Name in my dust.'
Suddenly it seemed as if light and song surrounded them as the Other One moved a single finger toward the tabletop."

-From The Carpenter and the Unbuilder, by David M. Griebner

John 8:1-11